Taking the Leap

I've never been a very good planner. I prefer to follow the natural pattern of life. I'm not disengaged-I try to be in tune to clues from the universe, and pursue new opportunities when it feels right. But taking decisive action has never been my strong suit. I recognize that this is to my detriment. You have to take charge of your life. If you sit idly by, waiting for the giant epiphany, or for the career fairy to come to your bedside while you sleep,  you may fail to realize that all the clues have been in front of you all along-they just didn't come in the form of an "Aha!" moment.

It has become impossible to ignore the fact that higher ed is my calling. I've tried to silence the tiny voice for a long time, through my so-called logic (read: fears) but it's grown more demanding and more impatient.  The classroom is the place in which I seem to find my voice, the place I feel that I'm making a meaningful difference. Which means that, if I truly want to pursue that future, the classroom is exactly where I will find myself again. If I want to be a full time, tenure-track professor, I will have to commit to and complete a PhD.

Confession: I am completely terrified. So many things about this leap scare the bejeesus (no, spell check, i did not mean to say "blue jeans") out of me. I haven't been a student in a long time. What if my academic skills have dulled?? The last time I was in the classroom, smart phones didn't exist. The world was different. What if my attention span has shortened?? A lot of people begin a Phd and never finish. What if that's me??

Here is possibly the scariest part of the whole equation for me. Most who begin a Phd program are discouraged from working, because of the time requirements of the demanding program.

Hmm. So, I'll have to quit working. No income. For 3-5 years. Sure. What planet do these people live on???? Surely not one where you have a roof overhead (even a modest one) or a car payment, or, or, or......
Maybe all Phd candidates are trust fund babies.

No, that can't be it. It has to be attainable. There has to be a way, one that doesn't involve me coming out on the other side with $200,000 worth of debt.

So, I'll ask questions. I'll find a way. Because the alternative is a life spent in what may as well be a cubicle, doing nothing of importance, while a dead end job buys my dreams at the low, low price of $35,000 a year.

The journey begins......

"Human Folly Does Not Impede the Turning of the Stars"

I love this quote from Tom Robbins. It is a very simple way to say many things at once.

1. We can feel free to make mistakes. :)

Making mistakes will not mean the end of the world. It is very unlikely that it will mean the end of our lives. This affords us freedom. Freedom to dream, freedom to experiment, freedom to FAIL! To fail gloriously. To fail with style. And, if we are very lucky, freedom to learn from the experiences we allow ourselves to have. If we don't allow ourselves to try new things, to make mistakes, what a boring life we may lead!!

2. We are less important than we think. :)

Sometimes it is easy to get wrapped up in our own existence. It's easy to do-we experience our entire world through our own lens, and we're with ourselves 24 hours a day!!! But we need some perspective. It's not all about us. There is a lot going on in the world. The best we can hope for is to be a positive influence on the people we are fortunate enough to encounter in this life!! Humility is a beautiful thing.

3. We can't get in the way of our ultimate destiny. :)

That's not to say we do not have free will. There are many paths we may choose to take. But ultimately, things have a way of working out. The doors that are meant to open will open. Yes, it is a cooperative relationship, this thing between ourselves and the universe. We have to engage.  But once we do, oh the things that will cross our paths!!! You just have to trust your gut, put one foot in front of the other, and start walking!! 

Stirring the (Soul) Pot!

I've realized in recent days that my soul feels much more alive than it has in a while. I'm not sure if it's due to the intellectual challenge of new, exciting literature, (and the fact that I have time to read new, exciting literature!) the free time I now have available for quiet contemplation, the deep conversations I've been having with friends and loved ones, or some unquantifiable combination of these things. All I know is this: I like it! I've missed that feeling, that stirring in the soul when you know you've hit upon something, that deeper side of life, one that has nothing to do with Burger King, wireless internet connections, or what's happening on CNN. It was disconcerting to me that I felt far removed from that feeling, that its resurface made me feel like I'd been missing an old friend who had just returned to me. The last thing I want is to get swept up in the day-to-day, the hectic days that turn into weeks that turn into months filled with to-do lists, and wake up months later to find that minutia has been monopolizing my thoughts and time. I've always been a ponderer of the "big questions", a seeker of deeper meaning. The search for meaning has been a natural part of my development, and something I hope to never lose. It can be difficult. The responsibilities we have can take their toll to be sure. But how do we maintain that balance? How do we ensure that we maintain that connection in a world so full of distractions? How can we overcome our limited attention span society? We must first decide, then commit ourselves to the decision. To recognize that the unhappy birds do not need our help against their piggish opponents, but perhaps our restless souls need help fighting the battle against, as Tom Robbins puts it, the tyranny of the dull mind. It's easy to say now that my schedule has opened up. But how to maintain that determination once summer fades and fall finds its way back......I hope to uncover that answer soon. Happy Monday everyone!

Man's Search for Meaning

"Live as if you are living already for the second time, and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now"-Viktor Frankl

I am currently reading "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, Holocaust survivor and father of the concept of "logotherapy". (I highly recommend reading more on this topic if you're unfamiliar; it is a fascinating approach to therapy, focusing on helping its patients find meaning in their own lives.) It is one of the most important pieces of literature I've come across in a long time, as it has further inspired me to continue my pursuit toward that path I believe we are all on, which is to find some sense of meaning to this existence, this time we have on earth.

I could easily devote an entire blog post to this book and Frankl's work and experiences, but I want to focus instead on the quote, because I found it so stirring, so wise, and so relevant.

Live as if you are living already for the second time, and as if you had acted the first time as wrongly as you are about to act now. Who among us hasn't looked back on our past, events that have transpired, choices made, and wished that we could guide our former selves away from the mistakes we were about to make? True, there is the argument that every decision is purposeful, because it leads us where we are destined to be. But if we had the wisdom, the determination to approach our decisions in this way when faced with them.....it would allow you to become your own teacher, to take a step back from your own person and look at your actions, thoughts, and feelings objectively. To recognize the possible ways in which you may be shortchanging yourself and damaging your own experience here, enabling yourself to fully actualize yourself and your experience! 

We all make mistakes. We limit ourselves with our doubts, our insecurities, our needless worries. But in taking this step back, we can perhaps recognize the error of our ways and reassert our own limitless possibilities. I may not always know what lies ahead, but no one knows me better than me. Who better, then, to fend off potential mistakes?? There are so many things in this world that are beyond our control. But our actions, perceptions, and reactions to the things we face-that is 100% within our grasp. Let's make the most of this world, of this experience!

Reconnecting

Now that summer is officially in full swing, my life and I are having a REUNION!! Woo-hoo!

Teaching at RSU has, over the course of the past three years, become the most gratifying professional experience of my life. Without it, I would still be struggling to figure out "what I want to do with my life", and would probably have perished from ECA, or Excessive Corporate America.

I can't say enough good things about this experience. The faculty at RSU have been absolutely wonderful. I have found a professional network of brilliant, energetic, nurturing faculty who have been kind enough to share their wisdom and friendship alike. The students, more and more (as I get more comfortable and confident in my role as "instructor") have been engaged, enthusiastic, and curious, have made me laugh, made me proud, and made me more certain every semester that academia is where I belong.  I still have so much more to learn, and can't wait to continue learning from my dream team of mentors.

 With that being said, it does come at a price. The trade-off has been my beloved social life, and invaluable time spent with dear friends. It's hard sometimes. It's isolating and lonely. However, I know it won't always be this way, and that sometimes the things you want or are destined to achieve come at a (temporary) price.

But summer!! Oh, summer. I welcome you with open arms. I look forward to cookouts, pool parties, Tulsa music, reading for pleasure, pints of beer, and, well, more pints of beer. 

I won't be a total slacker. I will be preparing for the GRE, and sitting in on summer classes of the aforementioned dream team.

How could a summer kicked off with a Wilco show be anything but glorious??? I can't wait to see what it has in store. Happy summer everyone!

Back to Blogging

I used to be an avid blogger. Myspace was my friend, back in the days before Facebook took over the world. It occurred to me that I missed having that outlet, a place to gather my thoughts and put them out into the world, in case anyone was interested in the meandering musings of a sort of young, politically displaced Okie with a passion for philosophy, classrooms, and Wilco.

In my neverending search for meaning, I invite you all to come along, as I attempt to make some sense out of this crazy, mixed-up world.